Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?
In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
“You think you know each other so you stop paying attention.”
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure."
Beautiful, beautiful talk. I learned so much. But then I realized no matter how much I watch and read about relationships, if he doesn't love me that much, it won't work anyway. Lol.
This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.
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I really, really needed this; not just for the understanding that I am not alone in realizing how difficult relationships are, but also because I need to take ownership for my part. If I had realized how hard marriage really is then I can firmly say I wouldn't have done it. However, I did and now I have to learn what I need to do to help make it a solid, healthy marriage. It just doesn't fall in your lap that way as so many people, myself included, were led into believing.
Thank you for posting -
It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.
Relationships are hard. Because your not supposed to be in them . We have Inherited bad habbits from our ancestors who were lost themselves and did not understand the true nature of humanity so carried on doing things they learnt from.there parents and others in society
We are designed to be single and share with many partners and to be free and enjoy life and each other relationships are dysfunctional controling and often suffocating . Demanding and restricting
I've honestly been learning so much about relationship building (not romantic, but social relationships) in the last couple of months and it's crazy how our cognitive mind controls most of what we think! If we don't think about what we are thinking, it can lead us to trouble. I still don't understand how our own minds can play tricks on us. We have to be vigilant even of our own selves. This is crazy. Am I the only one out there that realizes this? Or Am I wrong?
After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.
I have a curious question. I had big talks with my gf before, and one thing that stand out during the talks is how she is not looking at me and instead puts her back first. Sometimes she'll criticize me for being a coward and to face her like a man when she's not even looking at me and inside is just showing her back instead. Some of the talks occurred when i was having depression and i'm wondering if that's a sign of a unhealthy relationship.
'Sounds like a bad combo..😒...It also sounds like she's a Narcicist..U should watch some videos on this topic. I'd highly advise it..so u can get your head around 'wtf' happened..and so u can heal and move on..and "get better..not bitter". And to have a wrench thrown in there (depression), is hard enough to handle..let alone have someone intensify the issues u are working with. Stay strong..Keep good friends and family near to help u through this trying time.. U can do it!!👍. And don't forget to pray..🙏. God loves you.😉.
You have to have someone who truly meets YOUR needs, YOUR emotional demands. Like he said you.think you know someone so you stop paying attention. So often we are told we're selfish for leaving or not being satisfied BC we don't have what we need emotionally
Powerful talk. I wonder if misperceptions in internet communication are even more likely. Although I am interested in entertainment, in the on line world, I feel self conscious about even interacting with people who are much more advanced since the odds against me at times seem high, and I don't want to be a nuisance / joke etc.
I liked very much. I always think that relationship must lift us up to better level (safe place, loved atmosphere, physical and mental ecstasy, companionship, friendship and so on )than we are right now if not better to be alone.
best advice from someone in the know. Never date someone who is joined at the hip to their ex, on the phone to them lots each day, and spends Xmas with them every year. They will always put them before you. Rise above it and look to the future.
"Remember what I said about the detective's curse? The solution to my whole life was right under my nose. That woman. Those kids. And I was watching everything else. See, infidelity is one kind of sin, but my true failure was inattention. I understand that now".
Antidepressants are medications that can help relieve symptoms of depression, social anxiety disorder, anxiety disorders, seasonal affective disorder, and dysthymia, or mild chronic depression, as well as other conditions.
They aim to correct chemical imbalances of neurotransmitters in the brain that are believed to be responsible for changes in mood and behavior.
Depression Medications (Antidepressants)
These are the most commonly prescribed type of antidepressant.
Serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) are used to treat major depression, mood disorders, and possibly but less commonly attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anxiety disorders, menopausal symptoms, fibromyalgia, and chronic neuropathic pain.
SNRIs raise levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, two neurotransmitters in the brain that play a key role in stabilizing mood.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are the most commonly prescribed antidepressants. They are effective in treating depression, and they have fewer side effects than the other antidepressants.
SSRIs block the reuptake, or absorption, of serotonin in the brain. This makes it easier for the brain cells to receive and send messages, resulting in better and more stable moods.
They are called "selective" because they mainly seem to affect serotonin, and not the other neurotransmitters.