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Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

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Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason? In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
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Текстовые комментарии (264)
icecrmpntjb (3 дня назад)
This is a really interesting perspective
Abdo Abdo (14 дней назад)
A New Love Official (19 дней назад)
He has a great mind and I just want to thank you for sharing your great ideas for us. I absolutely enjoyed this video.
phil aillevie (1 месяц назад)
But it doesn’t explain why relationships are hard, does it ?
cvt cvt (1 месяц назад)
It's always been the woman's fault in my experience.
Andrew Jones (1 месяц назад)
Aaron Greg (1 месяц назад)
Amazing!! He spoke volumes in a brief excerpt
Stella Alcabasa (1 месяц назад)
“You think you know each other so you stop paying attention.” "Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure." Beautiful, beautiful talk. I learned so much. But then I realized no matter how much I watch and read about relationships, if he doesn't love me that much, it won't work anyway. Lol.
Gadgetonomy (1 месяц назад)
I can't tell you how much this has helped my relationship with my partner. Thank you so much.
Kostas stv (2 месяца назад)
Wow! Unbelievable scientist! Great speech! Thank you for all these very useful information!
Mo Ana (2 месяца назад)
Because it’s better being single ... !!!!
Melisa Mantilla (2 месяца назад)
8:07 good advice
Teng Wang (2 месяца назад)
This man speaks the truth because my partner and I have just had a fight and this describes in explicit detail of what went on during our animosity and the progression. Although talking face to face is the solution as described here, unfortunately it has past that stage for me and I have broken up with her.
Florence Cyprus (2 месяца назад)
Such a sweet, calm and ful of wisdom speech...he seems to be a kindhearted understanding man, without exaggerating and showing off, without shouting...he makes me feel so much better.
Mar Luvs (2 месяца назад)
Quoise (2 месяца назад)
Im not feeling good HAHAHAHHAJAHA the world is ending HAHAHAHAHAHAHA You are all failures HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Leah Swenson (2 месяца назад)
this was so good and helpful
Melissa ❈ Lucas (3 месяца назад)
Taylor Maxey (3 месяца назад)
That couple at 5:13 though...
Varietygirl1 (3 месяца назад)
The point about eye contact is interesting.
Keira TheYouTuber (3 месяца назад)
This really helped me out, because I'm 20 and starting to be involved in serious relationships. It's all so new to me and I didn't know what should be and what shouldn't.
Jana Elizabeth Sekelski (3 месяца назад)
Everybody needs love, good communication, passion, understanding... ❤
Nubias (3 месяца назад)
Relationships are easy,saying they are difficult is the cowards way out,if ya like someone,stay with em. If you don't like them,don't go near them,people are complicated,relationships are not.
Theresa Jimenez (4 месяца назад)
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bia (4 месяца назад)
why were they laughing
Elaine SP (4 месяца назад)
Neuro science :D gotta love the brain and body chemicals
Goku Godly (4 месяца назад)
Nobody had a girlfriend or boyfriend their generation is next to kill dates now
mekman4 (4 месяца назад)
“Glance is a threat trigger.”
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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Phil (4 месяца назад)
That was beautiful!
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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Orpheas Nestos (4 месяца назад)
Wonderful talk, and all is correct yet it’s a bit too simplified. Humans are far more complex than that and many more factors affect relationships.
Orpheas Nestos (3 месяца назад)
yell0ow saviour No thank you! I don’t need that .
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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nicolle n. (5 месяцев назад)
he is spot on about the memory part!! My husband and I will argue and at one point it becomes a he/she said issue and it is such a waste of time..
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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Kellys Andreína Rodríguez Rodríguez (5 месяцев назад)
Really great and heart-felt talk! Thanks
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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Courtney Jackson (5 месяцев назад)
"We need our eyes". This is something so powerful and so commonly forgotten now.
yell0ow saviour (4 месяца назад)
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Jai Lane (5 месяцев назад)
"there is nothing more difficult on this planet than another person"
KAiSKAjO (5 месяцев назад)
*_i was invited to tour with Hopsin, but because i dont have a car to go to Hamburg, i couldn't show up..._*
Hashtag Addictt (5 месяцев назад)
Shariq latif (5 месяцев назад)
Enlightening speech
Chigirl D (5 месяцев назад)
Great video.
D. Plummer (5 месяцев назад)
Very good advices 👍🏾
SEDAT MEMİŞ (5 месяцев назад)
Keşke Türkçe altyazılı olsaymış
Cait Dreyer (5 месяцев назад)
Hes touched my heart 😭
lorenmark (5 месяцев назад)
This was very insightful
Matt Piontkowski (5 месяцев назад)
Took away some great insights from this talk
Sophies Choices (6 месяцев назад)
This is so good! Everyone should watch this!
Peter Vincent (6 месяцев назад)
Amazing. Thank you.
Stephanie Molina (6 месяцев назад)
Great job!
Amy Browning (7 месяцев назад)
Is your partner cheating on you? You want to catch them red handed? Message or DM @fredparker_ on Instagram to help you.
Brian Bailey (7 месяцев назад)
Ppl are entirely too selfish and getting more so. That seems the base line cause of most human problems.
Brittany Thurlo (7 месяцев назад)
I really, really needed this; not just for the understanding that I am not alone in realizing how difficult relationships are, but also because I need to take ownership for my part. If I had realized how hard marriage really is then I can firmly say I wouldn't have done it. However, I did and now I have to learn what I need to do to help make it a solid, healthy marriage. It just doesn't fall in your lap that way as so many people, myself included, were led into believing. Thank you for posting -
Marigold Russell (3 дня назад)
Brittany Thurlo, I agree with everything you said except for I don’t regret my marriage and would do it again. I just wish I was better educated in relationships from the beginning.
Magdalena Krych (7 месяцев назад)
so lovely presentation! Thank You:)
Lisa Nelson (7 месяцев назад)
Very good lecture. I will have to remember to not fight or argue anymore without seeing the person face to face. Its so easy to argue over text these days because its always misinterpreted being read.
Mr.krabs (7 месяцев назад)
Most of them are cheating bitches,including men
V Bernard (8 месяцев назад)
"Our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe & secure" Amen for Basic Goodness
LoveMe,com (8 месяцев назад)
It is, there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but if you to work things out you can have a happy relationship. The most powerful thing you can do to keep your relationship strong is to form a partnership, a team, based on mutual respect, caring and helpfulness.
Pegasus (8 месяцев назад)
Relationships are hard. Because your not supposed to be in them . We have Inherited bad habbits from our ancestors who were lost themselves and did not understand the true nature of humanity so carried on doing things they learnt from.there parents and others in society We are designed to be single and share with many partners and to be free and enjoy life and each other relationships are dysfunctional controling and often suffocating . Demanding and restricting
pamula wallace (8 месяцев назад)
Very good yes relationships are very difficult people are difficult selavive.
Hanna Persson (8 месяцев назад)
I found myself nodding for the second half of this film, he is so right. Truly amazing.
Ruby Kishell (8 месяцев назад)
i just almost cried that was one of the best speeches I've ever heard
Banter (8 месяцев назад)
Really annoying how much the audience is laughing at this. Is this supposed to be a joke?
Park Tamaroon (1 месяц назад)
Laughter is not just for jokes.
Gulcin (8 месяцев назад)
love this so much
Briana Kelley (9 месяцев назад)
This changed my life. Thank you.
Mark Gast (9 месяцев назад)
This is why I live alone. For my own sanity.
Atom II (5 дней назад)
Lol.. why you are watching this? ☺
Raquel Rodriguez (9 месяцев назад)
Loved it!
hokiturmix (9 месяцев назад)
We are agree to disagree. I can not ask a simple request that stops her talking about her ex(es)..... 4 relationship in a row i gave up on this nonsense.
Sonam Paldon (9 месяцев назад)
He is awesome, loved this dude
Alexx Isidro (10 месяцев назад)
I've honestly been learning so much about relationship building (not romantic, but social relationships) in the last couple of months and it's crazy how our cognitive mind controls most of what we think! If we don't think about what we are thinking, it can lead us to trouble. I still don't understand how our own minds can play tricks on us. We have to be vigilant even of our own selves. This is crazy. Am I the only one out there that realizes this? Or Am I wrong?
R2 MY D2 (10 месяцев назад)
I thought this was gonna be a stand up comedy.....
Total Randomness (3 месяца назад)
R2 MY D2 Did you not see this was a TED talk.....
tadeuša (10 месяцев назад)
No experiment tho
Ambi Cahira (10 месяцев назад)
After 5 years of marriage and not a single night apart and not a single argument I can say that a huge tip is to read up on oxytocin that is released through touch and make an effort to give a long hug every day. Yes it is normal to have fights but those like me who don't won't be at his office for counselling so of course he has no data on those relationships that do run well. Be each others best friend, hang out like best friends do, and work out your own insecurities because insecurities are a huge fight trigger. You go on defense even before you open your mouth in conflict and when both are defending themselves you don't get anywhere. Solving conflict with conflict and self defense will never give results. Have a talk early how you wish to be treated when you are upset. Do you want to be left alone or be held? Do you want to talk about it or sit quiet? And if an argument occurs and you feel that emotion start to boil in your chest, take a deep breath, agree to cool off separately, then agree to disagree and hug it out. Only use words to each other as you would say in front of your grandmother. If you wish to hurt the person by name calling because you are hurting then you need to seek counselling yourself to mend what old pain gets triggered in you. Lastly, if your partner looks stressed, asking "what can I do to help?" and do things as a team will get you very far. A relationship is like carrying a table. If you don't have teamwork it won't work smoothly.
Candee Hart (3 месяца назад)
+nicolle n. A healthy relationship rarely has fights. There are disagreements but full on fights isn't healthy in my opinion
nicolle n. (5 месяцев назад)
That does not sound like a honest and healthy relationship...you never had one single argument? Even he said that is not healthy.
Jen Elliott (10 месяцев назад)
What an amazing talk! I could see that he spoke the truth and from the heart! Moved and educated at the same time!
Alan Morales (10 месяцев назад)
Fav TED talk so far
Balveer Singh (11 месяцев назад)
Sant Baba hardev
Thomas Calderon (1 год назад)
I have a curious question. I had big talks with my gf before, and one thing that stand out during the talks is how she is not looking at me and instead puts her back first. Sometimes she'll criticize me for being a coward and to face her like a man when she's not even looking at me and inside is just showing her back instead. Some of the talks occurred when i was having depression and i'm wondering if that's a sign of a unhealthy relationship.
Tracy Ashley (10 месяцев назад)
Thomas Calderon 'Sounds like a bad combo..😒...It also sounds like she's a Narcicist..U should watch some videos on this topic. I'd highly advise it..so u can get your head around 'wtf' happened..and so u can heal and move on..and "get better..not bitter". And to have a wrench thrown in there (depression), is hard enough to handle..let alone have someone intensify the issues u are working with. Stay strong..Keep good friends and family near to help u through this trying time.. U can do it!!👍. And don't forget to pray..🙏. God loves you.😉.
G_Folk 74-216 (1 год назад)
You have to have someone who truly meets YOUR needs, YOUR emotional demands. Like he said you.think you know someone so you stop paying attention. So often we are told we're selfish for leaving or not being satisfied BC we don't have what we need emotionally
WOODSTOCK'S WORLD (1 год назад)
Very good ted talk here, he's right, we are all very difficult beings
AlefGotis (1 год назад)
RontschDaPontsch (1 год назад)
THAT KISS AT THE END! My heart!!!!!!
Angela h (1 год назад)
Great Ted X!
Lightsoutlightson1 (1 год назад)
Powerful talk.  I wonder if misperceptions in internet communication are even more likely.  Although I am interested in entertainment,  in the on line world, I feel self conscious about even interacting with people who are much more advanced since the odds against me at times seem high, and I don't want to be a nuisance / joke etc.
daisy han (1 год назад)
I am half given up
lale akat (1 год назад)
Dear stan, you wanted to show what couples do next time things get stressy...
Natavan Quliyeva (1 год назад)
I liked very much. I always think that relationship must lift us up to better level (safe place, loved atmosphere, physical and mental ecstasy, companionship, friendship and so on )than we are right now if not better to be alone.
Rachel Brudenell (1 год назад)
best advice from someone in the know. Never date someone who is joined at the hip to their ex, on the phone to them lots each day, and spends Xmas with them every year. They will always put them before you. Rise above it and look to the future.
raaj singh (1 год назад)
this is a best ever ted talk thtat i heard
Rory M (1 год назад)
Great video! Spoke everything simply
Rhidian Eldridge (1 год назад)
Thank you!
Askformoreinfo whichyouwontget (1 год назад)
"You think you know each other so you stop paying attention."
Krzysztof .Olsz (2 месяца назад)
"Remember what I said about the detective's curse? The solution to my whole life was right under my nose. That woman. Those kids. And I was watching everything else. See, infidelity is one kind of sin, but my true failure was inattention. I understand that now".
김션호 (1 год назад)
pure fiction.
ahava77 (1 год назад)
wow! great talk
Angelica Julia (1 год назад)
Angelica Julia (1 год назад)
A GeezU.S. (1 год назад)
Is he from the movies? Some of these "relationships" are spy set-ups to steal from you and destroy your life
Positive vibes only (1 год назад)
Oh can you please be my therapist!!
NovemberRain (1 год назад)
Incredible speech I'm inspired
Noelie (1 год назад)
I'm crying??
Haitham Ahmed (1 год назад)
Marriage is the worset invention ever. Its like inventing a car that doesnt work, but still everyone buys it.
E. A. (1 год назад)
what really matters in life is the relationship we have with other human beings and this was very helpful. thanks.
claudia huerta (1 год назад)
If only I knew this 4 months ago, this could have help me a lot :/ And show it to that person :(
Jasmina Begum (1 год назад)
Loved this!
C Johnson (1 год назад)
If only I could have seen this before

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